2004-08-02 09:59![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
nightrythm
nightrythmI apologize if my replys to people’s posts have been less caring than they deserve. I apologize for being nothing but down in my latests posts. Brace yourselves, here comes more...
There seems to be a down-ness going around. I don’t know why I feel like this. I spent my weekend feeling lonely and depressed. I see by reading other’s journals that I’m not the only one.
I can’t wrap my mind around why I opted to sit around the house and cry just because my roomates went about their daily business. It is not their job to keep me happy and entertained when Patch is gone. For that matter, what the fuck is wrong with me that I can’t keep myself happy and entertained when my boyfriend is gone? I’d like to think that I can still function as an independent adult. *gah*
I don’t even know how to explain what I’m feeling. I’m blah and blue and just want to cry. The worst part is I’m not sure why.
I refuse to blame my boyfriend for being gone all weekend. Hello, I lived in a house *alone* for three years. Now I can’t survive for 24 hours without another living being? I don’t buy it.
I want to blame the fact that I’m broke. But really, I’ve been more broke and far happier. I want to blam the fact that I’m unhappy at work. But seeing as I’m not combatting nausea and dread every workday morning – I’ve been in worse job positions.
There’s a part of me that wants to blame the fact that I’ve been horny lately and haven’t gotten any. But that baggage is supposed to be gone. I’m not sitting around freaking out because I think he doesn’t want to touch me. I’m not paranoid that he’s lost all interest in me. I don’t see my relationship crumbling before my eyes. So, yeah, I’m pretty darn sure that getting laid isn’t the fix.
I’m not scared. At least not so’s I can tell. I’m a little panicky that no one will show up for my birthday party. But that’s the usual insecurities talking. They do not lead to a week and a half of not dealing.
Believe it or not – despite my sensations of being lonely – I’m not up for talking to people. No, really. Normally I force myself to go out and do things. Go where the people are. But, I don’t feel like responding to my friends emails. I’m not feeling chatty and cheery. Hell, I couldn’t even manage to write my column last week. I just looked at it and said “well, that’s not going to happen”. I couldn’t find the effort. How fucked up am I?
I just don’t wanna.
If I could figure out the problem. I could address the issues and logic my way through it. *gah* Well… it’s my pitty party and I’ll cry if I want to.
There seems to be a down-ness going around. I don’t know why I feel like this. I spent my weekend feeling lonely and depressed. I see by reading other’s journals that I’m not the only one.
I can’t wrap my mind around why I opted to sit around the house and cry just because my roomates went about their daily business. It is not their job to keep me happy and entertained when Patch is gone. For that matter, what the fuck is wrong with me that I can’t keep myself happy and entertained when my boyfriend is gone? I’d like to think that I can still function as an independent adult. *gah*
I don’t even know how to explain what I’m feeling. I’m blah and blue and just want to cry. The worst part is I’m not sure why.
I refuse to blame my boyfriend for being gone all weekend. Hello, I lived in a house *alone* for three years. Now I can’t survive for 24 hours without another living being? I don’t buy it.
I want to blame the fact that I’m broke. But really, I’ve been more broke and far happier. I want to blam the fact that I’m unhappy at work. But seeing as I’m not combatting nausea and dread every workday morning – I’ve been in worse job positions.
There’s a part of me that wants to blame the fact that I’ve been horny lately and haven’t gotten any. But that baggage is supposed to be gone. I’m not sitting around freaking out because I think he doesn’t want to touch me. I’m not paranoid that he’s lost all interest in me. I don’t see my relationship crumbling before my eyes. So, yeah, I’m pretty darn sure that getting laid isn’t the fix.
I’m not scared. At least not so’s I can tell. I’m a little panicky that no one will show up for my birthday party. But that’s the usual insecurities talking. They do not lead to a week and a half of not dealing.
Believe it or not – despite my sensations of being lonely – I’m not up for talking to people. No, really. Normally I force myself to go out and do things. Go where the people are. But, I don’t feel like responding to my friends emails. I’m not feeling chatty and cheery. Hell, I couldn’t even manage to write my column last week. I just looked at it and said “well, that’s not going to happen”. I couldn’t find the effort. How fucked up am I?
I just don’t wanna.
If I could figure out the problem. I could address the issues and logic my way through it. *gah* Well… it’s my pitty party and I’ll cry if I want to.
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