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I think I feel depressed. I had to take more pain killers 'cause I was starting to feel the pressure in my temples (although not my eye, but at this point I don't think it would take much to convert back to a migraine).
What I really want to do is curl up here in the dark and cry myself to sleep. No, I don't know why. No frelling clue. I do know that my house is messy and all my good intentions of doing chores this morning are for naught. I feel pretty crappy and low energy. Making an effort to do something about the mess, will just piss me off. I will end up angry that I'm home alone with the chores, which is funny, 'cause the chores that are left are mine and not Patch's. Not to say that there isn't laundry to wash and dishes to put away; but only the clean dishes are in the way of my getting my chores done and I can always pile them on the table like I have before.
I just don't wanna, but it's beyond the whiny or the don't feel like it. I've got that "way too much effort to bother with" thing going on. I know that staying here and indulging this is a bad sign.
What I will do is now that I've eaten. Watch 1 episode of sliders (see if I fall asleep during it) and then get up, get dressed and go look at yarn and visit w/Stevie. Hopefully something will bump me back into real.
What I really want to do is curl up here in the dark and cry myself to sleep. No, I don't know why. No frelling clue. I do know that my house is messy and all my good intentions of doing chores this morning are for naught. I feel pretty crappy and low energy. Making an effort to do something about the mess, will just piss me off. I will end up angry that I'm home alone with the chores, which is funny, 'cause the chores that are left are mine and not Patch's. Not to say that there isn't laundry to wash and dishes to put away; but only the clean dishes are in the way of my getting my chores done and I can always pile them on the table like I have before.
I just don't wanna, but it's beyond the whiny or the don't feel like it. I've got that "way too much effort to bother with" thing going on. I know that staying here and indulging this is a bad sign.
What I will do is now that I've eaten. Watch 1 episode of sliders (see if I fall asleep during it) and then get up, get dressed and go look at yarn and visit w/Stevie. Hopefully something will bump me back into real.
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Yesterday, after more sleep, Patch convinced me to go out on "grand adventures". They ended up consisting of getting cat food & litter and going to go see bourne identity.
We also had our overdue dinner at my mother's with his folks. That went off well. There were some moments that threatened to become ackward, but there was nothing untward. Thank the gods. And, there was no actual discussion of the wedding, so there was nothing to fight about.
That still doesn't ultimately solve my, "WTF is my problem?", problem.
We also had our overdue dinner at my mother's with his folks. That went off well. There were some moments that threatened to become ackward, but there was nothing untward. Thank the gods. And, there was no actual discussion of the wedding, so there was nothing to fight about.
That still doesn't ultimately solve my, "WTF is my problem?", problem.
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I'm depressed. I have *no* idea what about, but I am staying home today to mope an wallow. Thinking about going to work today made me want to cry. Not because of work, but because it's not home. It is out of my safe haven and I don't want to venture out. I'm going to stay here with my bears and my things and be safe.
WTF is out there that's going to get me anyway?
BTW - I did accomplish something last night. I balanced the checkbook and paid bills. Good thing too, credit cards were due. And better yet, I still have money in the bank for paying rent, with moneys left over. Next paycheck I will completely pay off cards and start putting that extra into savings. Not that I haven't been saving mind you, I have, I'm just going to be saving more. *yay*
Edit: Patch is staying home with me.
WTF is out there that's going to get me anyway?
BTW - I did accomplish something last night. I balanced the checkbook and paid bills. Good thing too, credit cards were due. And better yet, I still have money in the bank for paying rent, with moneys left over. Next paycheck I will completely pay off cards and start putting that extra into savings. Not that I haven't been saving mind you, I have, I'm just going to be saving more. *yay*
Edit: Patch is staying home with me.
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I'm finding myself unmotivated. Actually, not just unmotivated but suffering from I-don't-wanna! In a big way. I have wedding plans to make, grocery shopping to do, re-adjusting my food intake, getting back to the gym (my pants are starting to not fit, housekeeping etc. etc. ad nauseum. And I don't fucking want to. I'm hard-core avoiding everything. I don't want to deal with anything.
When I think about all the stuff that needs doing my stress levels rise. Hell, I think about one thing that needs doing, the tension coalesces at the small of my back and and I can feel the tantrum rising. Just like when I had a paper due and my mother and I would fight for hours while I screamed and cried that "I can't do it!".
I don't wanna.
How do I get out of this? Not because I want to, but because I should. I *know* this is bad for me.
When I think about all the stuff that needs doing my stress levels rise. Hell, I think about one thing that needs doing, the tension coalesces at the small of my back and and I can feel the tantrum rising. Just like when I had a paper due and my mother and I would fight for hours while I screamed and cried that "I can't do it!".
I don't wanna.
How do I get out of this? Not because I want to, but because I should. I *know* this is bad for me.
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On the one hand, I want to curl up in my bed and sleep while the world goes by. On the other, I want to drop everything, move to some obscure country and learn to midwife.
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Well, that turned out to be a wasted day.
The WB gig was with an agency they use. So essentially I went on two agency interviews. Which means I got to take typing tests, Word, Excel & Power Point skills tests. Oooo! Exciting.
I wasn't particularly interested in the jobs that they mentioned having currently available. Both places told me to keep an eye on their job boards and let them know if I saw anything that interested me.
I don't want to do the sam old thing. I want to work on special projects and get new and interesting things on a regular basis. *gah* I just want out. But, this is what I'm good at. This is where I have skills.
God, I just want to go home and sleep. Can I just sleep for the next week and a half. I don't feel like doing anything, correction, I feel like crying. Damnit, I thought I was over the mood swings.
I'd love to lay the whole feeling blue thing, on loosing hope based on yesterday. I really don't need this shit. Maybe I can just blame it on my period, which means it will go away in a few days. I'm just not good at this. Not that anybody is, I understand that. But my mother talked to her friend, the one who's been helping us buy the suit and coaching me - anyway, my mom is telling her she's worried about me. 'Cause she's seeing these swings. And I *know*, rock solid, that I'm not doing that badly. But really, the last time I was all mood swingy was during my parents divorce. Now *that* was hardcore. At least I'm not having the crying jags and stuff. Then I'd go see a proffessional. This is just a couple of days of blue and then I'm good. What's freaking me out (just the tiniest bit) is that my moood turns on a dime. Everything will be perfectly fine and the BAM! for no-fucking-reason-in-particular everything changes. That is what is unnerving, the unpredictability.
I don't even know how Patch feels about it. Hell, I'm not even sure he's noticed it really. No, I don't mean he's not being observant or anything like that. It's just not happening around him, so I don't think he's feeling the effects. That's all I mean. *shrug* I dunno. I'm just going to shut up now.
Yeah, go home and cry myself asleep. That sounds good.
The WB gig was with an agency they use. So essentially I went on two agency interviews. Which means I got to take typing tests, Word, Excel & Power Point skills tests. Oooo! Exciting.
I wasn't particularly interested in the jobs that they mentioned having currently available. Both places told me to keep an eye on their job boards and let them know if I saw anything that interested me.
I don't want to do the sam old thing. I want to work on special projects and get new and interesting things on a regular basis. *gah* I just want out. But, this is what I'm good at. This is where I have skills.
God, I just want to go home and sleep. Can I just sleep for the next week and a half. I don't feel like doing anything, correction, I feel like crying. Damnit, I thought I was over the mood swings.
I'd love to lay the whole feeling blue thing, on loosing hope based on yesterday. I really don't need this shit. Maybe I can just blame it on my period, which means it will go away in a few days. I'm just not good at this. Not that anybody is, I understand that. But my mother talked to her friend, the one who's been helping us buy the suit and coaching me - anyway, my mom is telling her she's worried about me. 'Cause she's seeing these swings. And I *know*, rock solid, that I'm not doing that badly. But really, the last time I was all mood swingy was during my parents divorce. Now *that* was hardcore. At least I'm not having the crying jags and stuff. Then I'd go see a proffessional. This is just a couple of days of blue and then I'm good. What's freaking me out (just the tiniest bit) is that my moood turns on a dime. Everything will be perfectly fine and the BAM! for no-fucking-reason-in-particular everything changes. That is what is unnerving, the unpredictability.
I don't even know how Patch feels about it. Hell, I'm not even sure he's noticed it really. No, I don't mean he's not being observant or anything like that. It's just not happening around him, so I don't think he's feeling the effects. That's all I mean. *shrug* I dunno. I'm just going to shut up now.
Yeah, go home and cry myself asleep. That sounds good.
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