Brain still processing...

[nightrythm]

A lot of things came up in conversation last night. What got stuck in my head were some questions that need asking in relationships.

The general question is: What you expect from our relationship? With some people you have to aske multiple questions to get an answer.

What do you gain from our relationship? Perhaps another way to ask - how do I make you feel? Yet another angle of qustioning - If I were gone, what would you miss about me?

Is there anything you would say is missing from our relationship. No really, what do you want from our relationship, that we don’t currently have? What do you want for our future? How do you want our relationship to progress? It is the nature of relationships to change and grow. How would you like to see our relationship grow positively?
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Now a question for you, dear readers. What did I miss? Is there another way to ask these things of people who have trouble opening up? Is there a better aproach?

Comments

[deliriumx.livejournal.com]

You certainly have a point. That is a subject which tends to be avoided or danced around. Asking if you would be missed if gone, seems kinda passive aggressive, tho it may be an honest question in some circumstances.
Part of how you ask the questions has to do with the information you are seeking. Is it to find out if you should continue the relationship? To track progress? To see what kind of future there is for your relationship? To try to have complimentary goals with your partner? General curiosity?
Perhaps asking how do you feel you/we/I've grown and regressed since beginning our relationship? What good and bad qualities do we bring out in each other. Do our friends question our relationship and are their concerns valid? What are your personal goals and how will they effect us? These are my goals, can you support me in them?

Not everyone thinks about their future in a specific goal oriented sense or at all for that matter. They are also questions that can really make a person feel put on the spot. So making it more of a conversation than 20 questions can be helpful.. also offering thoughts on the ideas you're bringing up. That can also direct your partner's answers.. so there is an advantage to just asking. Perhaps asking.. giving them a chance to answer first and taking over to guide them to your meaning if they need it.

Sounds like last night's meeting was quite thought provoking.

[nightrythm]

Asking if you would be missed if gone, seems kinda passive aggressive, tho it may be an honest question in some circumstances.

It's not a "will you miss me when I'm gone", it's another attempt to get an answer to "What do you gain from our relationship?". My theory was if they don't know the answer to what they're getting out of a relationship, that asking them what they'll miss about that relationship will help pinpoint what they get out of it.

The reasoning behind the questions is clarification. A lot of people move blissfully along in their relationships with pictures in their head of what's going on. One of the reasons they break up is because their partner's picture doesn't match theirs. Therefore, you want to know what it is your partner believes is going on in the relationship.

I like the additional questions you've posed. They're good things to think about.

And yes, it should be a conversation rather than 20 questions. But I would be leary of, as you said, directing your partners answers. Some folks will tell you what you want to hear, or phrase things, hedge around them, in such a way as to provide the possibility of what you want because they don't want to disagree.

[stacymckenna.livejournal.com]

You have to remember to be giving them as much info as you're asking for. You need to make sure they understand you're doing it to confirm that your goals and desires and needs are mutual and compatible. If you start describing what you expect/need/want out of a relationship and they start hearing something that doesn't sit well with them, it can help them refine what it is they want.

Most of us don't know what we want. We're not trained to analyze these things - we just KNOW what we want, but can't articulate anything more than "this is not it!". Sometimes, tossing out hypothetical scenarios about how the future will progress will help find those "Ick! Wrong!" buttons which can lead to more useful discussion about what would feel less wrong and what about the scenario rubs the wrong way.

And don't be shy about revealing what YOU'RE missing (if anything) in a relationship. Especially if you think it might be better fulfilled by someone else - family, friend, whatever. If your partner feels they should be providing that and you think you'd be better served getting it fulfilled elsewhere, that's also very important to talk about. jeremyseip's had issues there, and has finally come to the conclusion that there are just some subjects I need to discuss and hash out with non-jeremyseip friends, and there are some things he's just not exceptional at doing for me.

[twistedcat.livejournal.com]

you might try, depending on how they think, asking

"what do you see yourself bringing to the table in the relationship? what do you see me bringing to the table in the relationship?"

which is a lead in to "what might be missing? does that get provided by one of us or friends or another outside source entirely?"

and also a lead in to "how does than enhance your life?" because sometimes that helps them feel out where they want this to go...

i also like the question "what do you want, long term, from ANY relationship?"

[nightrythm]

"how does than enhance your life?"

I like that. Thanks.