2005-07-22 17:06![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
nightrythm
nightrythmSo I just found out that the daughter, of my mother's high school friend, father has cancer. I know this girl from high school re-unions and the occasional family party. There were a couple of times we hung out. She even came to my B-day at disneyland one year and hung out with us all day. But suffice it to say I don't know her that well.
I sent her an email to tell her that I was sorry and that I was here if she wanted to talk. Then, I start crying. It upset's me so much that such a sweet and beautiful person should suffer. I think though, that it is also the fact that I have some inkling of how I would if it were my father. Just thinking about it makes my chest constrict and my eyes tear up.
The truly odd thing about all this is that it made me think about my cousins. I don't see them now that my grandmother is dead. Our parents don't speak, so they can't/don't invite my mother to family events. And since they don't tell my mom, I don't know about anything. And on some level I've been ok with that, because just knowing they were around has been good enough for me. Well, at least for most of my life.
Now I find myself fighting tears and missing them terribly while I leave a "just called to say hi" phone message. I want to see them again. I want to spend time with them (even if they do make me feel like an alien) I want to hear the kids laughing and playing. I want my family to be what it was. I want my uncle to stop being a hard headed ass and realize that he doesn't have many years left and that shutting out his sisters is stupid. I want my family again god dammit. That way I can not go to most of the parties, feel strange at the ones I do attend and even occasionally feel like I belong. I need to experience the miracle that is harmony with one's own blood relatives - even if it only lasts an hour.
I sent her an email to tell her that I was sorry and that I was here if she wanted to talk. Then, I start crying. It upset's me so much that such a sweet and beautiful person should suffer. I think though, that it is also the fact that I have some inkling of how I would if it were my father. Just thinking about it makes my chest constrict and my eyes tear up.
The truly odd thing about all this is that it made me think about my cousins. I don't see them now that my grandmother is dead. Our parents don't speak, so they can't/don't invite my mother to family events. And since they don't tell my mom, I don't know about anything. And on some level I've been ok with that, because just knowing they were around has been good enough for me. Well, at least for most of my life.
Now I find myself fighting tears and missing them terribly while I leave a "just called to say hi" phone message. I want to see them again. I want to spend time with them (even if they do make me feel like an alien) I want to hear the kids laughing and playing. I want my family to be what it was. I want my uncle to stop being a hard headed ass and realize that he doesn't have many years left and that shutting out his sisters is stupid. I want my family again god dammit. That way I can not go to most of the parties, feel strange at the ones I do attend and even occasionally feel like I belong. I need to experience the miracle that is harmony with one's own blood relatives - even if it only lasts an hour.
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