Reflections - 6/22/99

[nightrythm]

I don't know if I've ever posted this before (and frankly I don't feel like looking) but I wrote this back in 99, after my second year of faire.

At 06:52 PM 6/22/99 -0700, you wrote:

Reflections:

I have finally learned to love myself.

As the Southern California Renaissance Faire has come to an end; I did some quiet contemplation and review of the season on the way home. And I found that I am at peace with myself.

During the last eight weeks, I made new friends. Not just getting to know someone through a mutual friends, clinging to the people I know... but saying hello to complete strangers. Spending time with them, and in due course calling them friend.

I was a mentor and a supportive friend. People turned to me for wisdom, cried on my shoulder... and while I cared for them, I did not try to carry them, or fix their problems for them. (Which has often been a big problem for me in the past.)

When I was down, I didn't actually have to have a huge drama. Not that I've given up on my dramatic moments, but they were just that... moments. I leaned a little on my friends, but I allowed the day to take me. I allowed time to move more quickly and I allowed myself distance from the pain without having to find excuses for my emotions.

I am emotional. I understand that. It makes me richer and deeper and I will not apologize for my emotions. I will not stuff them to make others happy. I will have emotional reactions. I will acknowlege them. I will find the root and I will continue.

When I had a problem. I didn't panic. I didn't burst into tears. When someone came to help me. I still didn't lose it. I kept control of the situation. I handled it myself.... and it wasn't a strain. I'm a big girl now. I'm achieving independence. Finally.

I flirted. I danced. I kissed. People told me I was beautiful and I thanked them. I now *know* I'm beautiful. And it's nice to know that others think so, but it's not crucial to my having value.

Heck, I don't even need to be valued by others to value myself. It's not about their view of me. It's about my view of myself.

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I've finally learned it's not about the pain you've endured, although that shapes you. And it's not about the goals you set for your future, although they guide you. It's about who you are in the here and now. What you hold precious in yourself is what defines you.


***Dancer of a Thousand Faces ... reborn from battles within herself.

Comments

[ebenbrooks.livejournal.com]

This is a very good essay. I enjoyed reading it. It made me think back to what I was doing around the same time, which was mostly continuing to get settled into my house, which I had bought in February of that year.

Bit of trivia: did you know that 6/22 is caprine's birthday?

[nightrythm]

No, I've always been bad at birthdays.

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

Good realizations all. Thx for sharing of yourself.

[sainton.livejournal.com]

awesome...

it still amazes me how much you have changed from when i first met you.

[nightrythm]

In what ways have I changed?

[sainton.livejournal.com]

#1 Confidience in yourself!! and I think you are happier as well.

[nightrythm]

Remind me to ply your brain when we've both been drinking. And don't let me get away with not flirting with you.

[sainton.livejournal.com]

like I would ever let a friend not flirt with me. My brain is at your disposal any time.. but you're stuck dealing with me at the same time, we are quit attached!!