Weight

[nightrythm]

You know it's funny, I was just bitching to myself about a friend of mine who keeps saying they need to loose more weight. They've lost a lot of weight already and look healthy and happy and I don't understand why they insist on jumping through hoops and doing strange things to their bodies in the name of diet.

Then we come to me. About a month ago, I was shopping for gowns for Friday night and even though I didn't find anything I wanted, I was able to console myself with the fact that I looked fucking amazing in all of them. I was hot and I knew it.

Now I gained some weight in DC (5 pounds or so) but for my birthday party, I still thought I looked amazing. We come to yesterday, when I was trying on gowns again. This time, I'm highly aware of the pouch of my stomach, the crease between my hips and thighs and the "double chin" my boobs make by my underarms. After yesterday, I feel fat and ugly. Intellectually, I *know* better. I mean seriously, you should have heard the way the women (other customers) in the shop were going on about what an amazing figure I have. But all I could see were the flaws. All I could see were the five pounds of extra weight that make the difference between a comfortable size eight and a not quite right size ten.

I just don't fucking get it. I am disgusted with myself that I'm having this focus and I'm also annoyed over the five pounds. There is even a part of me that's trying to calculate how to eat minimally until Friday so that I "look good" in whatever dress I buy. I can't believe I'm that big an idot. Or maybe I can. *ugh*

Comments

friday?

[lifeofreilly.livejournal.com]

See- I'm telling ya. It's not what everyone sees- it's what you see in the mirror. It's what I see in the mirror. The steps I'm taking are really jsut to a.) make myself healthier and b.) make myself feel better about, well, about myself. :)

Re: friday?

[(Anonymous)]

*sigh* I know. I just get all judgemental and "love yourself for who you are" when I feel good. It's one of my *real* flaws. I'll have to work on it.

Re: friday?

[nightrythm]

Note: log in next time!

And ooh!

[lifeofreilly.livejournal.com]

Ooh! Whatcha dressin' up fer? :)

Re: And ooh!

[nightrythm]

The awards show my company puts on.

[ebenbrooks.livejournal.com]

Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT try to crash diet in four days! You will make yourself sick, not to mention dehydrate yourself. What's the point of losing a few pounds of water weight if you just pass out at whatever shindig you lost them for?

I'd suggest surrounding yourself with lots of people who think you're sexy and goddess-like, but you've done that already. ;-) Hmmmm..... is anyone close to you an artist? If so, maybe have them draw or paint you. Then you can see how someone else sees you, and that may help.

And don't worry, you're not alone in the dissing-yourself-in-the-mirror department. There are days when I look in the mirror and all I see is flab and love handles--me, all 6'1", 170lbs of me. I am not, by any stretch, overweight...yet those thoughts still come to me. It's our fucking culture, damnit!

Anyway, for some positive thoughts on the matter, check out this community: curvygirls -- you'll probably have to join to see most of it, but even some of the public posts are very cool.

[nightrythm]

Don't worry honey, I've never been on a crash diet and I'm sure as hell not about to start now.

[katylin.livejournal.com]

There are many things that make a bigger difference than five pounds. The time of month, the way that we hold fluids, the way that five pounds of fat is much more mass than five pounds of lean muscle.
I think that in this society it bothers us to know that some people see something about themselves such as five pounds, and need to voice it; Again and again, to justify their self worth.
This has little to do with true self worth, you know that, you have already established that. This has to be simpler, like fitting and benign computable in your own skin.
That is a fine thing, when it is in prospective. I am glad that you had a nice and pleasurable time in DC, now make a small effort to walk a half hour a day for a while, or do some pilates, and in the same time it took to add the extra that makes you not feel so yourself, it will come back off.
Meanwhile, pick out a dress that you will have the best time in.
These are easier words to say than do.
I struggle with my weight, it is easy for me to gain, and I have eating binges, where food wants to comfort my issues. But I am no less pleasured with my husband, less loves, less cared for by my friends.
It is not my value; it is my health and my vanity that feel it.
Freedom comes in different areas, just be honest with yourself and you will know what this focus has all of a sudden become important to you.
With love and respect


Always

[nightrythm]

Thank you.

[katylin.livejournal.com]

I hope it helps.
always