2006-10-18 14:58![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
nightrythm
nightrythmEvery day I look at myself in the mirror and I think "Oh, my God, I look old! I didn't used to look old!" And it's not I didn't look old ten years ago, it's that I didn't look old six months ago.
Every fucking day I have to look at myself in the mirror and all I see is where my make-up cakes in my wrinkles and how my eyelids have extra skin that make it hard to put on eyeliner. And I get angry. I get visions of running into my former boss and seeing the shock on her face because I've aged so much and telling her: "It's because of you. It's all your fucking fault. I learned from you that if a woman doesn't wear make-up to work people think she doesn't care. People think she's not making an effort and no matter how well she does, it will never be good enough."
WTF?!!! I repeat WTF??!!!
When did I get into a severely emotionally damaging relationship that totally fucked up my self esteem? and made me so seriously angry?
OK, I *know* I'm pretty and I'm PMS'ing right now (which perhaps explains the intensity of my emotions) and I am almost 40 so it's really no surprise that I'm showing the physical effects of aging. But being older than the people I hang out with has never cut me so deeply. I keep getting visions of Sally from this weekend, she's so cute and young and I'm currently convinced that if someone saw us together they'd think I was her mother. Hell, I'm probably old enough to be her mother.
I always figured I would age gracefully, like my mother did. Following her example of not dyeing my hair and not giving a shit about what society thinks. But at the moment, I'm tempted to go down fighting. There's a part of me that wants to see a surgeon and find out what I can do about my eyelids.
Now I understand why my mother did a total one-sixty after the divorce, when she felt she's been thrown away and that at her age no one would want her. I remember being so disapointed in her for giving in. Now I know how it feels and I'm 20 years younger than she was.
Did I already say WTF?
Every fucking day I have to look at myself in the mirror and all I see is where my make-up cakes in my wrinkles and how my eyelids have extra skin that make it hard to put on eyeliner. And I get angry. I get visions of running into my former boss and seeing the shock on her face because I've aged so much and telling her: "It's because of you. It's all your fucking fault. I learned from you that if a woman doesn't wear make-up to work people think she doesn't care. People think she's not making an effort and no matter how well she does, it will never be good enough."
WTF?!!! I repeat WTF??!!!
When did I get into a severely emotionally damaging relationship that totally fucked up my self esteem? and made me so seriously angry?
OK, I *know* I'm pretty and I'm PMS'ing right now (which perhaps explains the intensity of my emotions) and I am almost 40 so it's really no surprise that I'm showing the physical effects of aging. But being older than the people I hang out with has never cut me so deeply. I keep getting visions of Sally from this weekend, she's so cute and young and I'm currently convinced that if someone saw us together they'd think I was her mother. Hell, I'm probably old enough to be her mother.
I always figured I would age gracefully, like my mother did. Following her example of not dyeing my hair and not giving a shit about what society thinks. But at the moment, I'm tempted to go down fighting. There's a part of me that wants to see a surgeon and find out what I can do about my eyelids.
Now I understand why my mother did a total one-sixty after the divorce, when she felt she's been thrown away and that at her age no one would want her. I remember being so disapointed in her for giving in. Now I know how it feels and I'm 20 years younger than she was.
Did I already say WTF?
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It really sucks that no matter how confident we might sometimes be, eventually the unhealthy messages of popular culture seep into our subconscious and make us feel bad about ourselves.
Fuck that shit, y0. You're awesome.
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