Still Angry

[nightrythm]

Every day I look at myself in the mirror and I think "Oh, my God, I look old! I didn't used to look old!" And it's not I didn't look old ten years ago, it's that I didn't look old six months ago.

Every fucking day I have to look at myself in the mirror and all I see is where my make-up cakes in my wrinkles and how my eyelids have extra skin that make it hard to put on eyeliner. And I get angry. I get visions of running into my former boss and seeing the shock on her face because I've aged so much and telling her: "It's because of you. It's all your fucking fault. I learned from you that if a woman doesn't wear make-up to work people think she doesn't care. People think she's not making an effort and no matter how well she does, it will never be good enough."

WTF?!!! I repeat WTF??!!!

When did I get into a severely emotionally damaging relationship that totally fucked up my self esteem? and made me so seriously angry?

OK, I *know* I'm pretty and I'm PMS'ing right now (which perhaps explains the intensity of my emotions) and I am almost 40 so it's really no surprise that I'm showing the physical effects of aging. But being older than the people I hang out with has never cut me so deeply. I keep getting visions of Sally from this weekend, she's so cute and young and I'm currently convinced that if someone saw us together they'd think I was her mother. Hell, I'm probably old enough to be her mother.

I always figured I would age gracefully, like my mother did. Following her example of not dyeing my hair and not giving a shit about what society thinks. But at the moment, I'm tempted to go down fighting. There's a part of me that wants to see a surgeon and find out what I can do about my eyelids.

Now I understand why my mother did a total one-sixty after the divorce, when she felt she's been thrown away and that at her age no one would want her. I remember being so disapointed in her for giving in. Now I know how it feels and I'm 20 years younger than she was.

Did I already say WTF?

Comments

[lasher33.livejournal.com]

Sweety. I just saw you this past Saturday, you look beautiful.

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

You, m'dear are beautiful, inside & out, and furthermore, you're HOTTER than nearly all of the young pups around.

[chamilyun.livejournal.com]

i don't even know your age, you are beautiful, both inside and outside and you have the most amazing hair...i love your hair.

but i understand, as i get older i notice things take longer to heal, i have weird wrinkles in the morning that don't disappear like they used to and i am drawn to beauty products that i've never wanted before. just drink more water and wear sunscreen. :)

[stacymckenna.livejournal.com]

my first response after the second paragraph was "stop wearing the makeup - the wrinkles will beless noticable with nothing to cake up in them..." ;P

Love you!

[evilgerbil.livejournal.com]

When did I get into a severely emotionally damaging relationship that totally fucked up my self esteem? and made me so seriously angry?

:\ I hear you on that one.

I know I'm still a kid, but I'm rather fascinated, for the most part, with aging. I remember as a child, looking at my mom's hands, with thin, long fingers, and here and there a vein was visible across the tendoms. And I looked down at my chubby hands and wondered how hers got that way. Now my own resemble them. It's fascinating.

But then again, I see my breasts are not as high as they once were, and I worry about the day they sag and droop, and I feel a little ashamed of myself for being superficial.

I don't think you look any older than me, and I'm 25.