Still Angry

[nightrythm]

Every day I look at myself in the mirror and I think "Oh, my God, I look old! I didn't used to look old!" And it's not I didn't look old ten years ago, it's that I didn't look old six months ago.

Every fucking day I have to look at myself in the mirror and all I see is where my make-up cakes in my wrinkles and how my eyelids have extra skin that make it hard to put on eyeliner. And I get angry. I get visions of running into my former boss and seeing the shock on her face because I've aged so much and telling her: "It's because of you. It's all your fucking fault. I learned from you that if a woman doesn't wear make-up to work people think she doesn't care. People think she's not making an effort and no matter how well she does, it will never be good enough."

WTF?!!! I repeat WTF??!!!

When did I get into a severely emotionally damaging relationship that totally fucked up my self esteem? and made me so seriously angry?

OK, I *know* I'm pretty and I'm PMS'ing right now (which perhaps explains the intensity of my emotions) and I am almost 40 so it's really no surprise that I'm showing the physical effects of aging. But being older than the people I hang out with has never cut me so deeply. I keep getting visions of Sally from this weekend, she's so cute and young and I'm currently convinced that if someone saw us together they'd think I was her mother. Hell, I'm probably old enough to be her mother.

I always figured I would age gracefully, like my mother did. Following her example of not dyeing my hair and not giving a shit about what society thinks. But at the moment, I'm tempted to go down fighting. There's a part of me that wants to see a surgeon and find out what I can do about my eyelids.

Now I understand why my mother did a total one-sixty after the divorce, when she felt she's been thrown away and that at her age no one would want her. I remember being so disapointed in her for giving in. Now I know how it feels and I'm 20 years younger than she was.

Did I already say WTF?

Comments

[lasher33.livejournal.com]

Sweety. I just saw you this past Saturday, you look beautiful.

[nightrythm]

Thank you. I think in reality I'm angrier about having a complex than I am over aging itself.

[lasher33.livejournal.com]

you need to not focus on the negative. In fact what you need is a nice drink and a back rub when you get home and have your worries massaged away. You also have a very sexy vibe that comes from you.

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

You, m'dear are beautiful, inside & out, and furthermore, you're HOTTER than nearly all of the young pups around.

[yourmuse.livejournal.com]

I second that! And I just saw you on Sunday!

It really sucks that no matter how confident we might sometimes be, eventually the unhealthy messages of popular culture seep into our subconscious and make us feel bad about ourselves.

Fuck that shit, y0. You're awesome.

[nightrythm]

T'anks!

[(Anonymous)]

*blush* Aw... *scratches in the dirt with her toe*

[chamilyun.livejournal.com]

i don't even know your age, you are beautiful, both inside and outside and you have the most amazing hair...i love your hair.

but i understand, as i get older i notice things take longer to heal, i have weird wrinkles in the morning that don't disappear like they used to and i am drawn to beauty products that i've never wanted before. just drink more water and wear sunscreen. :)

[nightrythm]

LOL! Yeah, I'm trying to be really good about drinking more water.

[stacymckenna.livejournal.com]

my first response after the second paragraph was "stop wearing the makeup - the wrinkles will beless noticable with nothing to cake up in them..." ;P

Love you!

[twistedcat.livejournal.com]

that was kind of where i went, too

we should talk sometime about non-surgical methods of looking younger. mostly involving not being angry and stress-release and such...

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

and more sex, definitely an important part of the plan! (Stress-release and all.) ;-)

[nightrythm]

Oh Yeah!

[nightrythm]

LOL, yeah I *know* it just doesn't always work. *grin*

[nightrythm]

Yes, but that whole thing about having my work downgraded because I don't present the physical image required.

[stacymckenna.livejournal.com]

there's always the "don't work for fucktards" portion of the solution... works from so many angles!

[evilgerbil.livejournal.com]

When did I get into a severely emotionally damaging relationship that totally fucked up my self esteem? and made me so seriously angry?

:\ I hear you on that one.

I know I'm still a kid, but I'm rather fascinated, for the most part, with aging. I remember as a child, looking at my mom's hands, with thin, long fingers, and here and there a vein was visible across the tendoms. And I looked down at my chubby hands and wondered how hers got that way. Now my own resemble them. It's fascinating.

But then again, I see my breasts are not as high as they once were, and I worry about the day they sag and droop, and I feel a little ashamed of myself for being superficial.

I don't think you look any older than me, and I'm 25.

[nightrythm]

Thank you.

I remember looking at my mother's hands too. It spooks me sometimes to see them on the ends of my arms now.

I also used to play with the veins on my Grandmother's hands and while mine aren't that pronounced yet, I'm sure someday there will be children wondering at them.

[cerrberus.livejournal.com]

I'm still stunned by your appearance, but I ws impressed with you online b-4 I ever saw what you looked like. But I think the advice about makeup should be seriously considered.
Did I mention I'm still stunned by your appearance?
Oh, and
http://sff-corgi.livejournal.com/419181.html?nc=3

[nightrythm]

Danke. on both counts.