2006-10-18 14:58![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
nightrythm
nightrythmEvery day I look at myself in the mirror and I think "Oh, my God, I look old! I didn't used to look old!" And it's not I didn't look old ten years ago, it's that I didn't look old six months ago.
Every fucking day I have to look at myself in the mirror and all I see is where my make-up cakes in my wrinkles and how my eyelids have extra skin that make it hard to put on eyeliner. And I get angry. I get visions of running into my former boss and seeing the shock on her face because I've aged so much and telling her: "It's because of you. It's all your fucking fault. I learned from you that if a woman doesn't wear make-up to work people think she doesn't care. People think she's not making an effort and no matter how well she does, it will never be good enough."
WTF?!!! I repeat WTF??!!!
When did I get into a severely emotionally damaging relationship that totally fucked up my self esteem? and made me so seriously angry?
OK, I *know* I'm pretty and I'm PMS'ing right now (which perhaps explains the intensity of my emotions) and I am almost 40 so it's really no surprise that I'm showing the physical effects of aging. But being older than the people I hang out with has never cut me so deeply. I keep getting visions of Sally from this weekend, she's so cute and young and I'm currently convinced that if someone saw us together they'd think I was her mother. Hell, I'm probably old enough to be her mother.
I always figured I would age gracefully, like my mother did. Following her example of not dyeing my hair and not giving a shit about what society thinks. But at the moment, I'm tempted to go down fighting. There's a part of me that wants to see a surgeon and find out what I can do about my eyelids.
Now I understand why my mother did a total one-sixty after the divorce, when she felt she's been thrown away and that at her age no one would want her. I remember being so disapointed in her for giving in. Now I know how it feels and I'm 20 years younger than she was.
Did I already say WTF?
Every fucking day I have to look at myself in the mirror and all I see is where my make-up cakes in my wrinkles and how my eyelids have extra skin that make it hard to put on eyeliner. And I get angry. I get visions of running into my former boss and seeing the shock on her face because I've aged so much and telling her: "It's because of you. It's all your fucking fault. I learned from you that if a woman doesn't wear make-up to work people think she doesn't care. People think she's not making an effort and no matter how well she does, it will never be good enough."
WTF?!!! I repeat WTF??!!!
When did I get into a severely emotionally damaging relationship that totally fucked up my self esteem? and made me so seriously angry?
OK, I *know* I'm pretty and I'm PMS'ing right now (which perhaps explains the intensity of my emotions) and I am almost 40 so it's really no surprise that I'm showing the physical effects of aging. But being older than the people I hang out with has never cut me so deeply. I keep getting visions of Sally from this weekend, she's so cute and young and I'm currently convinced that if someone saw us together they'd think I was her mother. Hell, I'm probably old enough to be her mother.
I always figured I would age gracefully, like my mother did. Following her example of not dyeing my hair and not giving a shit about what society thinks. But at the moment, I'm tempted to go down fighting. There's a part of me that wants to see a surgeon and find out what I can do about my eyelids.
Now I understand why my mother did a total one-sixty after the divorce, when she felt she's been thrown away and that at her age no one would want her. I remember being so disapointed in her for giving in. Now I know how it feels and I'm 20 years younger than she was.
Did I already say WTF?
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