I'm surprised at myself...

[nightrythm]

So I just found out that another friend has herpes. Which really doesn't seem like such a big deal. I mean it's not something to ostracize anyone over or anything.

But I'm wigged out. It's just that there are four people *that I know of* in this particular social circle who have herpes. Which again doesn't seem all that strange or wrong... except that this group is sexually active within itself.

I think that is what bothers me about it. While I never had sex with these folks, I certainly engaged in sexual activity. Hmmmm.. on second thought, I guess I did have sex with some of them. And at the time, I didn't know that anyone had any sexual diseases. I assumed they were all clean, responsible adults. (Not that I am saying anyone is irresponsible...I'm just trying to explain how I feel)

Now it bothers me to think that I put myself at risk. I am actually kind of angry, with myself, for putting myself in that position. I'm having this whole skin crawly thing going on right now. To think I could have gotten that close to someone who has an STD.

There is always some kind of risk associated with sexual activity. But there is less risk when you're active in an uninfected group. The risks, I think, increase a lot more as each person becomes infected. Especially with something like Herpes, which can be transfered even if no lesions are visible.

That's why I'm not just cranky at me. I'm kinda cranky at the whole group for continuing to put themselves and others at risk. I realize that my reaction is probably over the top. But there is some little part of me that thinks that if you're infected you should take yourself out of the game. You shouldn't be playing with others. I mean, for gods sakes you could make someone else sick.



Intellectually, I know that there is informed consent. I know that each adult decides which risks they are willing to take. And despite my rant and my feelings of anger and revulsion, I haven't changed how I feel about my friends. I am not judging them. I love them. I feel badly that they now have this added thing they have to deal with. But, I don't think any less of them. I do not view them as bad people, or as immoral people or any of that stuff.

I will still hug them and kiss them. I will still offer them my support. I will still hope and pray that their dreams come true. I will still stand by them come what may.

Comments

I just figured it out!

[nightrythm]

I'm scared. I'm scared for everyone, because I know that having Herpes puts you at risk for other diseases. And bottom line, I don't want to loose anyone. That's what this is all about. I'm worried about the people I love getting something ugglier and scarier.

[sempereadem.livejournal.com]

You shouldn't be surprised - supposedly, according to "statistics", 1 in 4 adults has herpes. So, people just don't talk about it, because while it's as common as getting cold sores, it's still got that nast 70s stigma attached to it. Just give your friends boxes of condoms for Christmas!

[teaa.livejournal.com]

Wow. I can't even begin to believe how harsh you sound.

I didn't know that anyone had any sexual diseases. I assumed they were all clean, responsible adults.

Of course you don't know if anyone has anything. That's why you either choose your partners with care, perhaps waiting til you've both gotten tested. Or you use protection. Or both. But there is no way of knowing for sure. You want to play, you assume the risks. Most people don't think you can test for herpes unless there are symptoms. Most doctors will try and talk you out of a blood test if you don't have symptoms. And some doctors don't even know that a blood test exists. Yet we know that 1 in every 5 or 6 people over the age of 18 has herpes. So you do the math. Think about how many people are in our group. Of course some of us have herpes.

If you assume everyone is responsible then you're not being responsible. You need to protect yourself in whatever ways you feel necessary. You can't assume that everyone else is as careful as you want them to be.

To think I could have gotten that close to someone who has an STD.

Ouch. Please by all means Xana. Keep yourself from getting that close to someone because they caught an STD.

But there is less risk when you're active in an uninfected group.

There isn't such a thing as an uninfected group, really. Again I remind you, 1 in every 5 or 6 people. A lot of people just don't tell people. Or they only tell people who need to know. You just happen to be in a group that doesn't tend to hide what most people consider darker secrets.

But there is some little part of me that thinks that if you're infected you should take yourself out of the game. You shouldn't be playing with others. I mean, for gods sakes you could make someone else sick.

What exactly are you trying to say with that?! That I should never have sex again? That I should never have sex with someone who isn't already infected? Do you realize how ridiculous that sounds? That because you want to feel safer about your fooling around, I shouldn't be allowed to.

Anyone I have chosen to be with, and will choose to be with in the future either already knows, or will be told that I have herpes. They then have their own choice to make. But that's between me and them.

You don't get to judge me for wanting to continue having a life that includes sexual activity.

I can't believe after using words like revulsion you think you can turn this post around and act like you're still supportive. Sorry, but you don't get to tell people how unclean they are and that they shouldn't be continuing a normal life, and then act like you're still a good friend.

[nightrythm]

Yet we know that 1 in every 5 or 6 people over the age of 18 has herpes. So you do the math. Think about how many people are in our group. Of course some of us have herpes.

Actually, I didn’t know. Now, I understand why so many of my friends, even outside the group, have herpes.

If you assume everyone is responsible then you're not being responsible. You need to protect yourself in whatever ways you feel necessary. You can't assume that everyone else is as careful as you want them to be.

Very true. Hence, why I am angry at myself. Because I should have taken the responsibility of informing myself.

”To think I could have gotten that close to someone who has an STD.”

Ouch. Please by all means Xana. Keep yourself from getting that close to someone because they caught an STD.

You mis-understand. I meant getting close to somone sexually – being intimate with them, while I was unaware.

What exactly are you trying to say with that?! That I should never have sex again? That I should never have sex with someone who isn't already infected? Do you realize how ridiculous that sounds? That because you want to feel safer about your fooling around, I shouldn't be allowed to.

Yes, as a matter of fact I do realize how rediculous that sounds. That’s why I said “there is a little part of me”, this is not the belief of my whole being. And it is most certainly not the controlling part of my rational mind. This is the voice in me that was freaking out.

I can't believe after using words like revulsion you think you can turn this post around and act like you're still supportive. Sorry, but you don't get to tell people how unclean they are and that they shouldn't be continuing a normal life, and then act like you're still a good friend.

I’m sorry you mis-understood me. The revulsion I feel is withing myself, about myself. You do not repulse me. Please understand that.

I should not have used the word clean to mean disease free. It was insensitive of me. But I certainly never said you could not or should not continue a normal life. Again, I said that a “small part of me” felt like that. But it’s only the smallest part. I’m sorry that my internal turmoil, which is deeply founded in my puritanical beliefs, should hurt you.

I don’t know how to make it clear that I still love you and support you. I’m sorry.

[teaa.livejournal.com]

I reacted quickly and with hurt feelings. I still feel like I made a bunch of valid points but I should've gone with the more discussion friendly "I feel" statements. I understand that you're scared about the consequences of yours and other people's actions. I just wish you'd be more careful how you express your fear, because some of the things you said are what I'm most scared of hearing from anyone, especially my friends.

I don't hate you. I accept your apology. I offer my own apology for any harshess in my response.

I will admit though that my feelings are still bruised.

[nightrythm]

{{Hugs}} Thank you and I'm sorry.

[lizzc.livejournal.com]

teaa really expressed the rational points that if I wasn't so angry I would try to make. I am hurt.

I am so sorry...

[nightrythm]

I'm sorry that my freak out came at this time. This probably won't make you feel any better, but it's not about you. I am having trouble with my own internal view of myself, and the things I've done. That's all.

I'm sorry.

Re: I am so sorry...

[nakeygirl.livejournal.com]

This is where LJ turns into a big mess. It's YOUR journal, where everyone claims you can express whats on your mind, pc at the time or not, and everyone says post whats on your mind, but then you do, and its not pc and they freak out.
I know that my friends who have herpes were not happy when they found they got it, but that they are now dealing with this part of their lives and trying to make the best of it, and before they caught it that it was something they hoped to avoid. It can be a subject that freaks people out. Most of my friends are open about it, at least I know several who are open about it, but its not something one actively tries to catch. I'm glad my friends are open, they are trying to live healthy lives and keep their partners informed.They havearight to continue life.
But really, I think Xana hasa right to express her feeling in her own damn journal. Is your every thought pc? no. Some people hate that I have a child, another std some would say. I'm fucking brown skinned, and that's not contagious but people judge on it,and let me tell you, being pregnant and brown? that was interesting in a white neighborhood. Now i'm off subject...
There is a sense of fear that it raised in people, knowing it happened here w/in the family. It was unexpected. It could have been HIV and that would mean loss of people who are loved.hence asense of "that was close" but fortunately ,its only an inconveniently placed cold sore (is there a convenient place for one really?) and you can continue on and are managing to. If someone expresses fear, inform them of facts abot it. knowledge fights fear better than anger.
if anyone is now pissed at me for being pissed that people want to tell someone how to feel, tough. The thought police don't exist, or so I thought.

Re: I am so sorry...

[stacymckenna.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I wish people could remember this more often.

Re: I am so sorry...

[teaa.livejournal.com]

People may or may not freak out about the PC ness in someone else's journal. But that doesn't change the fact that it's a public forum. Of course you can say whatever you want. But you also have comments section so that people can respond however they want. You can't say that it's okay for someone to express an opinion in their journal but it's not okay for someone else to have their feelings hurt. Or that they shouldn't respond with how they feel also. If you express something strongly and publicly there are going to be people who respond strongly and publicly. I never said that Xana has no right to feel the way she does, but that doesn't change the fact that Lizz and I also have a right to feel hurt about the statements in these posts.

You have every right to talk about your child, just like other people have a right to talk about population control.

I love you so much, and I'm not attacking you here. I'm just saying that if you're going to stand up for Xana's right to be public about her feelings you can't deny other people's rights to have a reaction about those feelings.

[stacymckenna.livejournal.com]

Yes - scary. Especially in a group that is so typically open and frank about these things, finding out there's someone out there carrying it we didn't know about last week or last month or for however long. It does make you stop and reassess how much blind faith you were putitng into things you shouldn't have been, how differently your screening process should have been.

Some of the most wonderful people we know are coming down with it, and it's horrible. It makes you angry with them for not being more careful, with their partners for not being more careful, with yourself for not being more careful - it's awful to feel so angry or scared about something, especially with people you care about. But the more you care, the more violent the reaction. A mother's first reaction to a young child running into the street is to SCREAM "What were you doing crossing the street alone! You could get KILLED!" Would she say it as violently with another's child? Probably not. Does she love the child any less? No, she's just scared and angry with...everything. The seemingly sudden fragility of life is terrifying.

Breathe deep, honey. Readjust what you ned to readjust in your behavior to feel comfortable. We'll all learn to cope with it better after a little practice.

[nightrythm]

Thanks.